We’ll Tell You Later - Waiting Until Later in the Pregnancy to Share the News
By Kim Seidel
Dr. Dayna Salasche waited until after her first trimester to share news of her pregnancy. It’s a practice that’s becoming more common with couples.
“My husband and I felt that this was a private time for us to enjoy the pregnancy,” says Dr. Dayna Salasche, an OB/GYN or Obstetrician and Gynecologist at Northwestern Specialists for Women in Chicago. “I also had some early complications and didn’t want everyone to be asking me about the pregnancy if there had been an unfavorable outcome.”
Dr. Salasche reaped the rewards of her decision. “My husband and I are very close to being with, but this really took that relationship to a different level – we became even closer, “ she says. “I also felt much ‘safer’ telling my friends and family once we did share our news.”
Along with the benefits, she encountered the downsides too. “I wasn’t feeling very well and it was hard to keep that from those around me.” Dr. Salasche says. “I am very close with my family, friends and the people I work with. So it was also difficult to keep such an important life event a secret from them. I wanted to tell them because I knew how happy they were going to be.”
Despite any downsides, many couples may wait to reveal the pregnancy because, in fact, after the first trimester, the chance for having a miscarriage drops significantly. “Similar to my situation, some couples have had a complicated beginning to their pregnancy and want to wait to tell until they feel it’s safe, just in case they have a bad outcome,” Dr. Dayna Salasche says, “Couples who have had an unfortunate experience with other pregnancies tend to keep their news private longer.”
Reasons to Wait
Marie Davidson, a clinical psychologist with Fertility Centers of Illinois in Chicago, Ill., echoes Dr. Salasche’s thoughts on the advantage of postponing pregnancy news. “As excited and optimistic as anyone is when they get that positive test, early pregnancy is not a sure thing,” Davidson says. “So waiting a while, or being very selective about whom you tell, makes sense.”
Newly pregnant couples may have an order in which they want to tell others – such as parents and siblings, good friends and then the world, Davidson says. She adds that most women will delay telling their boss and co-workers to avoid possible issues at work.
The major advantage to waiting is that the couple maintains control of the information, until they feel the pregnancy is well established. Then, they can decide who should know and in what order, Davidson says.
The pregnancy seems to go by faster if you don’t announce it to others until the second trimester, Dr. Salasche, who is a Gynecologist in Chicago, says. It’s a huge benefit for women to not have to explain to people why they don’t look pregnant if the baby was lost in the first trimester.
Disadvantages of Waiting
“Sometimes, feelings get hurt when a major secret like a pregnancy is kept for three months”, Dr. Salasche says.
Angie Sparks of Thousand Oaks, Calif., says her sister-in-law waited until her second trimester to share all three of her pregnancies with family members. Although she gave reasons, the situation caused upset emotions. “Her decision to wait was not easy for the family – or for me, especially as we had been good friends for many, many years,” she says. “It felt as though we were left out of some loop that my brother – and maybe even her side of the family – was in on. It seemed as though we were the last ones to know and the last ones able to celebrate.”
Spark’s sister-in-law postponed it because she is a neonatal intensive care nurse, and knows firsthand the fragility of pregnancy. “She didn’t want there to be unmet expectations – to make it harder on her or family – if she were to miscarry,” Sparks says. “While I understand her perspective, we were all still hurt.”
Sparks compares that experience with her sister’s pregnancy. “She called me on her cell phone from the doctor’s office to announce the news. “Sparks says. “I can see that I missed out on all of those feelings of excitement and wonder and joy for my sister-in-law.”
Now, Sparks herself found out she was pregnant with her first child early this year, and she and her husband notified family immediately. “We called all the parents and all the siblings, conferencing them in and sharing the news that way, “she says. “We didn’t’ want to wait around trying to figure out the ‘best’ or ‘most creative’ way to tell them.
They contacted their mother’s first. They also made sure to explain to their family that it was an early pregnancy, confirmed only with a home pregnancy test at that point. “As for friends and co-workers, we’re taking it a little more carefully,” she says. “Since my pregnancy will definitely affect the small business I work for, I have to be more strategic about sharing the news.”
If a woman decides to keep her pregnancy to herself, she won’t have the support needed in the event of a miscarriage or other pregnancy challenges, says Rebecca Macdonald, a mom from Aurora, Colo. She didn’t have a miscarriage, but experienced infertility treatments for several years before having her two boys. “I was open and honest with almost everyone about what was happening to me,” Macdonald says. “When I was given the diagnosis that I could not have children on my own, it was so important that my friends and family were there to support me.”
A co-worker of Macdonald’s kept her pregnancy a secret. “When she had a miscarriage, no one could understand why she was sobbing silently in her cubical, “Macdonald says. “She eventually shared the news of her miscarriage, but I think it was harder on her.”
Fun Ways to Share the News
While there may be no perfect time to announce a pregnancy, many couples decide to wait until the first trimester is over, or until the woman begins to show. Davidson says. “It is really important to talk this over with your spouse and reach an agreement,” she says.
Dr. Dayna Salasche, an OB/GYN, encourages her patients to be excited and to share their news. But, in the first trimester, they may want to limit it to the people they would tell and need for support if something bad were to happen.
Holidays and birthdays are especially wonderful times to announce pregnancy. It’s fun to reveal exciting news in person when everyone is already in a celebratory mood, Dr. Salasche says.
“A great moment to share your pregnancy news is going around the table at Thanksgiving dinner, taking turns saying why you are grateful,” Davidson says. “Just try to go last because your news will be hard to follow.”
Christmas, of course, and any other big holiday, is a neat time to give a pregnancy message. “However, your news could get lost in the shuffle of festivities, so consider how to keep it special and not have to compete with the holiday itself,” Davidson says.
Father’s and Mother’s Day are good times to celebrate special announcements as well. “I know one woman who waited a short while to tell her husband, so she could make it a Father’s Day surprise,” Davidson says. “It’s also the ideal birthday gift for a grandparent-to-be.”
Articles Brought to you by NSWObgyn Doctors include:
Dr Bonnie Wise
Dr Kimberly (or Kim) McMahon
Dr Dayna Salasche
Dr Seema Venkatachalam
Dr Melissa Dugan